8/2/2021 5:47pm

“Hello?”

“Hi…”

The silence was unnerving.  It would have been better had she not even called. 

At least that’s what she told herself. 

 “I-it’s me.”  She stuttered. 

Again, silence.  He had known exactly who it was.  Her voice had been embedded in his memory.

“Hello?”

“I’m still here.”  The deep baritone of his voice dripped with agitation.  

“Oh, um, ok.  Sorry.”    He stayed silent, waiting for an explanation.  Part of him felt he should have just hung up, but another part (the younger/naïve part) gripped the phone tighter. 

He hadn’t heard from her in almost seven years.  It was odd that she was calling now.  But was he annoyed? Angry?  Excited?  It’s hard to say, so he remained silent.

“Can I help you?”  His tone was curt.  The last time they had spoken, he had been just as detached.  At least she wasn’t surprised.  She had known this would be the reaction. 

She cleared her throat.

“Not exactly…  Um, ok. I, uh, I apologize, I’m a bit distracted. I hope I’m not catching you at a bad time.” 

“No, it’s fine.  What do you want?”  He heard the callous quality of his voice but wasn’t sorry.  It was needed to keep her in her place.  She was like a cat, always trying to sneak its way back, onto your lap.  Not that it would even matter if she tried now, but still, old habits…

She ignored his shrewd tone. 

“Ok, well, I figured I should give you a call because I’m fairly certain your wife is my new boss.”  She had been working out what else she needed to say when he interjected.

“What are you talking about?” 

Yep, she’s trying it again, he thought.  He felt they were getting too old for this same, ridiculous game. 

“I graduated.  A little less than a year ago, and applied for Teach for America.  It’s this program that takes people and places them-“ he impatiently cut her off.

“I know what Teach for America is.”  His attitude was making her nervous.  She didn’t care about the past or whatever he thought of her.  She was just trying to prevent the potential mess this could spiral into.

“Ok. Well, I was assigned to Buffalo.”

He was silent again. 

“The last I had heard, you were in Vermont with your brother.  I had no idea you moved back to New York.”  Her voice was meek and he didn’t entirely believe her.

She was quiet, waiting for his response.  As seconds ticked by, the unease grew, and after two minutes of just quiet breathing, she cleared her throat.

 “I wasn’t sure what your last opinion of me was.  Like, if you still thought I was psycho or crazy or something; I’m not sure.”  She was beyond uncomfortable, but she found the courage to continue.  “I didn’t think it would matter though.  But then Rosalie met with each department head and said she wanted to bring back the department get-togethers they used to have… at her house…”

“I see.”

“And I knew at some point we may run into each other, and I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.” 

He took a deep breath.  It could be true.   Who knew, with her?  He knew she had moved on with her life, in a way.  He had looked at her Facebook page a time or two over the years.  It really was a night and day difference between the lost sixteen year old she had been and the woman she was now.    

A tiny ache throbbed in a dark, forgotten part of his heart.  It was so miniscule and so deep he didn’t realize it at the time, but it was there.

“I see.”  He was contemplative for a moment.  “Did you tell her?”

“Who?” 

“My wife,” he rolled his eyes, “did you tell her who you are?”  If she was looking for trouble, that would’ve been the place to start. 

“No…?”

He heard that small inflection in her answer.  He wasn’t going to fool his self into believing he still knew her, but a part of him always would. 

“Yes?” He was prodding her to finish her thought, just like he had always done.

The problem was that the smooth, warm undercurrents of his voice and the way it carried that single syllable word was all it took.  She tried not to, but it was so easy to remember how deeply in love with him she had been. 

She felt too old to still think of him that way, but here she was, fifteen years later, still experiencing those electric tingly explosions.  They always started in her lower stomach but then would spread throughout her whole body. 

“I just wondered, did she already know about me? Or does she already know about me?”

His eyes widened, and as if on cue, he heard the front door slam.  He leaned out the office door in time to see his wife and daughter walking through the foyer towards the kitchen, with groceries.

 “To an extent, yes.”

She sighed.  It was like pulling teeth. 

“To what extent?”

He let out another heavy sigh.  This wasn’t any of her business.  He answered her intrusive question, anyway.

“She knows there was only one before her; she knows it was serious, and that it didn’t end well.”

She swallowed down the knot in her throat.  He wasn’t going to give her anymore, which was fine; she had had enough of him as well.

“Ok, well, I’ll endeavor to stay on this side of the line. I hope when our paths do cross, it isn’t too awkward.”

“Yep.”

She rolled her eyes.  She had always hated his flippant use of that word, especially when he was using it to dismiss her.

“Bye, Jim.”

“Nia.”

9/3/2021 8:54pm

“Honey, can you get that?”

Jim walked through the empty foyer to the quiet knocks on the door.  He was always annoyed with people who felt the need to ring the doorbell and knock as well. 

“Overkill…” he muttered to his self as he opened the door. 

Nia’s lips had been turned up into a friendly smile, but the second she saw his face, the smile disappeared.

She knew he would be there; it was his house, after all.  She had prepared herself all evening for what she knew would be an uncomfortable situation.  But as she stared up at him, ‘uncomfortable’ didn’t even begin to describe what she really felt. 

Nothing, she realized, would have adequately prepared her for this odd reunion. 

The man that stood before her was nothing like the seventeen year old she remembered.  His grungy, dark brown hair was now perfectly styled with hints of grey.  He wore a dark blue dress shirt, black slim-fitting pants, and a pair of expensive black loafers. The statue of David came to her mind as she stood before him for the first time in almost a decade.

“Good evening, Nia.” 

He knew she’d been invited.  Rosalie had already filled him in on the new recruits the school received this year.  Rosalie, of course, had taken a special interest in Nia.      

“Jim.”  Her cheeks flushed a dark red, and he felt a small wave of satisfaction at her obvious unease.  After her initial gawking had subsided, he noticed her inability to meet his eyes. 

“Rosalie insisted on me coming, tonight.  I really tried to get out of it.”  She fidgeted with her fingers feeling the weight of awkwardness crushing her. 

“Did she, now?”  He knew how much of a jerk he was being, but he couldn’t help it.  She had put him through so much when they were kids.  He definitely was going to enjoy this slow burn.

Nia dropped her hands to her side and glared up at him. 

“Oh, Nia! I’m so glad you could make it!”  Rosalie called from behind her husband then sweetly pushed him aside.  She looked so different outside of school. 

Rosalie’s thick brown hair fell in waves down to her lower back and she wore a hunter green, peplum dress that accentuated her lean, sporty figure. Never had two people looked more perfect together.

Nia quickly recovered her sense to speak and reached her arms out to receive the hug Rosalie was offering.

“Yes, of course!  I’m sorry I’m so late.”  Rosalie ushered her into the beautifully decorated foyer.  There was a fall theme to all the garlands and flowers populating the large space.  Had the same decorations been applied to her small townhome, it would have felt crowded.  But here, in their Tudor mansion, it felt homey and welcoming. 

“Nonsense, we just started.  We do live all the way out here in the middle of nowhere, so trust; you’re not even going to be the last one to arrive.” 

Rosalie spun Nia around and began pulling her coat off.  She had tried to dress accordingly, not too extravagant, but not too plain either.  Jim was, after all, an ex.  After worrying about it all day, she settled on a black, turtleneck, sweater dress that fell just below her knees, black tights and boots. 

“Nia! Oh, you do smell so good.  Are those cookies?!”  She was reaching for the bag hanging from Nia’s arm and shoving Nia’s coat to her husband at the same time.  “I told you, you didn’t have to bring anything! Oh you’re so sweet!”

Rosalie looped her arm through Nia’s and began escorting her to the main parlor where the rest of the English department awaited.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.  I’m incredibly rude.  I keep forgetting how new you are.”  She stopped and spun Nia back around.  “This is my husband, James.  James, this is Nia Martin.”

Rosalie smiled up at her husband, as he extended his hand. 

“I’ve heard so much about you Ms. Martin,” he said in a firm voice. She gave him her hand and the ache went from undetectable to a slight murmur.

“Nice to meet you, James,” Nia’s voice was cold. 

He watched her walk away with his wife, concerned by how uncomfortable he felt.  He had no real reason to worry.  Even if Rosalie found out he and Nia had history together, it wouldn’t have changed anything.  That’s exactly what it was; history.  So why was he uncomfortable?

Rosalie isn’t the one I’m worried about, he thought.

Nia was beautiful.  Time had done nothing but good things to her.  She had always been cute, and just as he had grown up, he knew she would have also.  Back then, she had been softer and curvier, which he had always liked.   But, dear God, he hadn’t been prepared for this. 

Her face was the same: big brown eyes, long dark lashes, freckles scattered over her cheeks, and pouty lips.  In his mind, he still pictured the curvy girl he used to know, but once that purple pea coat came off, he had trouble remembering to swallow.  Nia still had curves, but they were of a deliberate and more defined nature.  He had never been a superficial guy, but there was no other way to put it.

Nia was lethal.  The curve of her chest down over her narrow belly, then dramatically back out over those hips was like a piece of art.  As she walked away with his wife, his gaze followed.  He began to wonder if she still moved the same; if she still tasted the-

Stop, he ordered his self.

He turned to hang her coat up.  As he raised it to place on a hanger, he caught a whiff of its scent; the smell of sunflowers in bloom.  It only took a second for his mind to overflow with images and feelings he had worked diligently to forget. 

“This is ridiculous,” he muttered angrily, “she’s doing this on purpose.”  He shoved her coat to the back of the closet and slammed the door. He’d had enough of the forced trip down memory lane, and the involuntary bodily reactions it was eliciting.  He took several deep breaths to try and steady his mind.

The chiming of the doorbell sounded, followed by his wife’s gentle call.

“Honey?”

He walked across the foyer again to admit more of his wife’s colleagues.  Feeling every bit trapped and frustrated, he turned the door knob and welcomed the rest of her guests. 

9/3/2021 11:58pm

“Crap…” Nia whispered.

She stared at her reflection and was annoyed.  Her cheeks were tear-stained and her eyes were puffy. 

She had been talking to a few teachers about their book choices for this year when she glanced up and saw them. 

Their hands were intertwined behind their backs.  Rosalie had run her hand down his arm so intimately, and then wove her fingers through his.  Jim had responded by squeezing her wrist, and then running his thumb across the back of her hand. 

They were talking and smiling about something.  Then, with their fingers still woven together, Jim pulled his wife closer to his side and lowered his smiling lips to hers in a gentle kiss. 

Jim lifted his lips to plant another chaste kiss on his wife’s forehead when he happened to catch Nia’s gaze. 

 “Nia? Are you ok, in there?”  Rosalie’s gentle voice pulled Nia back to the present.

Nia pulled her glasses out of her small purse, laid it back on the vanity then pulled the band out of her hair.  She adjusted her braids to frame her face.  Maybe the thick black rims of her glasses and her different hairstyle would distract enough to hide the fact she’d been crying.

She opened the door to Rosalie’s concern.

 “Are you ok? What’s the matter?! Cheryl said the two of you had been talking, then all of sudden you…”  Rosalie stopped and noticed the soft streaks on her cheeks and the slight rosy tint in her eyes.  “Is everything ok?  Is your son ok?”  Rosalie pulled Nia back into the powder room and closed the door gently behind her. 

Nia chuckled nervously.

“It’s nothing, really.  Aaron is fine, just checked with the sitter.  And yea, everything is ok.  I’m sorry.  I think I’m just overwhelmed is all.”  She gave Rosalie her most sincere smile, but it wasn’t enough.

“The truth is, Rosalie, I think I may have made a mistake coming here.”

 “Why?  Did something happen?”

Before Nia had a second to respond, Rosalie had taken her by the hand and was leading her from the powder room.

Rosalie knew Nia was shy and quiet.  She had gotten on very well with the rest of her department during working hours, and everyone had nothing but nice things to say about her.  But, an entire evening surrounded by people she barely knew?  Of course she was overwhelmed.  Rosalie felt annoyed with herself for not being sensitive enough to notice sooner. 

She continued to guide Nia through the back hallways of the house to avoid any unwanted attention. 

“Here.”  Rosalie pushed open a sliding door.  She ran her finger over a panel that raised the lighting to a soft glow.  Not too bright, but just enough to still feel peaceful. 

“I don’t mean to cause any trouble.  I really can just go-“

“Nia, stop.  I know tonight has been a big step away from your comfort zone.  But why do you feel coming here was a mistake?  Was it any of the staff?”

“No, no, nothing like that.  They’ve all been so great.”  Nia looked directly into Rosalie’s giant green eyes, “you’ve been so great. I think I just feel confused and out of place.”

Rosalie stayed quiet as Nia struggled to find the right words to say.  Nia wanted to be as honest with her as she could, without overstepping the line.

“I don’t think I was prepared for everything that’s happened.  Everyone I’ve…met.  It’s just so much.”  Nia’s gaze was drawn to the hand Rosalie was still holding, the same one Jim had squeezed earlier, and wished that she could have just told her the truth.  Rosalie had been such a good friend to her since she’d moved here. 

“I thought it would be easy…  I thought this would be simpler.”

Nia felt a new wave of guilt.  It was the closest to the truth she could get.  She looked back up and Rosalie’s sympathetic demeanor made her feel so ugly.  Only an ugly person would lie to this genuinely kind woman.

“Nia, I know how hard this has been for you.  After everything you told me about your life before you came here, I can only assume it took a giant leap of faith to move so far away with just your son and your degree.  But I have to believe that you’re here for a reason.  And, I know that it will take time, but I promise you, you’re not out of place, here.  We all love you and don’t want to see you go.” 

Unable to speak, Nia simply nodded and gave Rosalie’s hand a reassuring squeeze.  Rosalie flashed a perfect smile but instead of dropping her hand, pulled her into a hug.

“It’s all going to work out, Nia.  You’ll see.  Just have to give it a little time.”  Rosalie ran her hand up and down Nia’s back for reassurance then released her.  “So, you just hang out in here, just clear your mind, and we’ll see how you’re feeling in a bit.  Sound good?”

Nia nodded again and Rosalie quietly left, leaving the door open to the deserted hallway.

Nia turned around to the room and realized it was a library.  The opposite facing walls displayed books from floor to ceiling, while the back only housed books half way.  The top half of the wall was just glass. The view during the day must have been amazing, but the pitch black of the night gave the room an eerie feel.    A table sat below the glass, not big enough to be called a desk, but small enough to be a workspace.  This must be where their daughter did her homework.  A small ache pinged in the depths of her stomach, thinking about Jim’s daughter.

Don’t, she thought to herself.   

She walked towards two oversized chairs facing towards a long plush sofa of the same dark blue color.  In the middle sat a barnyard coffee table with a crystal tray holding different sized decanters, and two upside down glasses. 

Nia sat timidly in one of the oversized chairs and internally regretted even showing up.  She had wanted to get it over with; seeing him, but she hadn’t anticipated it being this rough. 

“Oh, crap…” she said on a sigh and closed her eyes.

9/4/2021 12:33am

“Hmmm…” he grumbled to his self.

He had seen her retreat to the powder room, and was unbothered by it.  Nia certainly hadn’t lost her flare for the dramatics.

When his wife reappeared without her, he thought she had left.  His renewed sense of ease propelled him into a few more drinks and a few good laughs. 

The good feeling, however, disappeared when Rosalie found him thirty minutes later and asked him to check on her in the library.

She was leaning over the arm of the chair, with her eyes closed when the sound of someone clearing their throat startled her.

Her eyes popped open and standing behind the sofa was Jim.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve fallen asleep.” 

He stood there not speaking and unmoving.    

In fact, he was almost glaring at her and she wasn’t sure why.  She’d done nothing to deserve this intentional, boorish behavior.  Her efforts to be an adult about this weird situation had been met with nothing but antagonism.  Instead of feeling uncomfortable, she was beginning to feel angry.  The longer he stood there, not speaking, the angrier she grew.

“What?” Nia quietly asked, in an accusatory tone.

Jim jerked slightly at her assertive response.  She’d been so passive earlier, and quiet throughout the evening; It was a stark difference to the theatrical girl she’d once been.

“There she is…” he said just loud enough for Nia to hear, then brought the crystal to his lips.  The bourbon burned so perfectly on its way down.  He would attribute the goose bumps forming along his arms to the aged bourbon and not the puzzle sitting in front of him. 

“Excuse me?” Nia retorted back at him. 

She stared at him, head on, not breaking eye contact.  He smacked his lips and the corner of her left eye twitched. 

“Why are you here, Nia?” He stared at her right back.

“I told you why.  I was assigned here when-“

“No,” he said quietly, cutting her off.  “Why are you here?”  He motioned to his house.

“I don’t know, to be honest.”  Her shoulders relaxed and her voice softened. 

“I thought… I don’t know.  I thought it would be,” she paused, “easier.”  She stared at the dark liquid on the table.

It had been 8 years since her last drink.  Maybe the burn from the bourbon would make his icy presence less painful.

“Is it?”

She shifted her eyes down to her fingers.  She wasn’t going to cry in front of him.  She refused to do that.  That was why she hid in the first place. 

Jim cleared his throat, impatiently..

“Is it what?” Nia’s mind was a jumbled mess.

Jim pressed his lips, but did not miss a beat.

“Is it easier?”  He was waiting for her to say no.  He had wanted her to say it.  His goal had been to make her feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. 

Nia snorted then stood, straightening out her dress and adjusting her glasses. 

“You know…” Nia tilted her head and looked at the wall of books, then back to him.

He watched her smile to herself as she considered his question.  He had been so sure the satisfaction he craved, knowing he’d finally put her in her place, was imminent.  He just waited for the words. 

“It’s getting easier by the second, actually,” she said firmly.

She moved toward him, never dropping his gaze.  With every step she took, his heart beat quickened, and the reticent war he had been waging suddenly felt ill-advised.

Nia was standing very close to him.  Close enough to smell the rich flavor of the impressive bourbon he’d been drinking.  He was staring down his aristocratic nose at her, giving nothing away, when she slowly took the glass from his hand. 

She lifted it to her pouty lips, finished the drink and took a deep breath.  Nia had wanted to get through her time here, with this man, as amicably as possible.  She didn’t want to disturb his life or hers. 

In that moment, however, everything became clear. Nothing was going to be amicable about this.  Nia knew she needed to prove to him, and to herself, that she wasn’t going to put up with his arrogant idea that she still owed him something.

She flashed a pretentious smile and sat the glass down on the table.

“I see,” he retorted back, trying hard to remain unaffected by her boldness.

The bourbon did exactly what she thought it would.  It cut through and melted the ice in her veins, and she felt brave.

“In fact, I’d go as far to say that your pompous attitude towards me is making this so much easier than I thought it’d be.  See, I thought you might have grown out of this immature mindset that you’re better than everyone you dislike, but clearly I was wrong.”

Jim’s jaw tightened; it was an almost imperceptible reaction that anyone else would not have noticed.  But she did.

With her courage growing by the second, she stepped even closer.  He smelled so good, but she ignored the familiar pull.

“And just so you know, I’m not the same person I was all those years ago.  So you don’t get to judge me.  You think you’re so untouchable, so elite?  You’re the one that hasn’t changed; you’re the one still stuck in the past,” she paused, letting a sardonic smile spread over her lips.  “I don’t owe you anything. And, honestly, you know what else? I’ve outgrown you.”

He didn’t move a muscle.  She hadn’t said that to get a response from him, no.  She genuinely felt that way.  It was the most honest reaction he’d seen from her, since she arrived. 

He felt the heat she was radiating and it confused him.  He loved his wife, more than anything.  But in that single moment, he couldn’t see anyone but Nia.

He stared down at her, searching the velvety brown of her eyes and finally felt the ache that had been growing stronger since she first called him.  His face softened and his lips parted as he sucked in a ragged breath.

The atmosphere had shifted.  Nia felt it too.  Before, she had been ready to fight, but now she felt the displaced feelings. 

They stood there, only inches from each other. 

Jim watched her features soften and her lips tremble slightly.   The air had shifted and the disdain that had enveloped the conversation was dissolving away into something else. 

Before he had time to realize what he was doing, his hand was sliding up her arm.

Nia, overwhelmed by his touch, gasped softly and closed her eyes.

He was conflicted and hungry all at the same time.  His hand hadn’t stopped moving, and was now at the base of her neck.  He gripped her tightly, and stroked her jaw line with his thumb. 

As he pulled her against him, her hands automatically reached out to receive him.  Their bodies had changed, but it didn’t matter.  They fit to each other just as easily as they always had. 

Nia tilted her head, exposing her neck and closed her eyes when she felt his nose run along its length.  He deeply and slowly inhaled the scent of sunflowers; trying to savor the sweet light texture.

Nia’s hands slid up his back and over his shoulders, gripping him as tightly as she could.  His muscles were taught and defined.  The roar in her ears grew louder as she ached for his lips to find hers.

She wanted this.  There was no denying how much she had wanted this.  He had been the love of her life and there was no way around it. 

Jim felt her fingers digging into his back and the ancient familiar ache, he’d worked so hard to bury, erupted.  She was all he had wanted for so long, too.  He had wanted to prove to his self that he didn’t need her anymore.  But this was the truth. 

He snaked his other arm around her waist, and what little space was still left between them disappeared. 

“Nia…” he whispered along her neck.  The heat pulsing from that sensitive spot beckoned for his lips.  Her fingers slid up his back and through his hair. 

Her touch was everything.

“Jim,” she whispered, and everything stopped.  She hadn’t said his name on a sigh, like that, in forever. 

He had felt it, too; the quick plunge back to reality.  The reality was his name was James and he was married to an incredible woman, with whom he had an amazing daughter, and this perfect life. 

What am I doing, he thought.

Jim looked at Nia, breathless in his arms and saw the same confusion on her face. 

She stared at his broad chest, with her arms on his shoulders and wondered the same.  This wasn’t her, not anymore.  She didn’t come here to do this…

I shouldn’t be here, she thought.

They released each other, and Nia took a shaky step backwards. 

“I… I-“

For the first time, in a long time, Jim was not sure what to say.  His very strong sense of control was completely gone. 

“I can’t.  We can’t… I should go,” Nia whispered.  She stayed for a moment, watching his jaw tighten and untighten then took another small step back.

His hand immediately shot back out to grab her wrist, to stop her.  He didn’t know what was happening, he couldn’t see anything beyond how much he had actually missed her.  He didn’t want her to go. 

Nia felt the same, but knew if she didn’t leave now they would both regret more than they already did.  They hadn’t actually kissed; his lips had never actually met her skin in any way, but what had happened was more than enough.

She was gently pulling her wrist from his grip, when his eyes widened.  Nia didn’t need to turn, to know; but she did.  She swallowed down the adrenaline flowing through her and faced the truth.

Rosalie stood in the doorway with Nia’s small purse in her hands.  Her jaw had dropped in shock and she stared at her husband. 

No one moved.  Nia’s back was touching Jim’s chest, and she could feel his slow and even breaths fall on her cheek.  The tension rolling off of him was unnerving, but justified. 

Jim wanted to move away from Nia, to say something to Rosalie, but he couldn’t.  He couldn’t speak.  He couldn’t think. 

Why is this so hard? Say something, you fool, he thought.

Nia stared at Rosalie, as Rosalie stared at Jim.    

As all three searched for something, anything to say, the deafening silence settled over them like a thick fog.   

The simple fact was there was nothing anyone could have said. 

The silence said it all.

Take it All Back