So, disclaimer from the start, I’m not in a relationship (dating or otherwise) with anyone, nor do I intend to enter into one anytime soon.

That being said, I do feel like I’m ridiculously responsible for maintaining all the other relationships in my life.  If for no other reason, than to make up for the huge vacancy in that one regard. 

The relationships I have with people are just so vitally important; for both me and for my son as well.  How can I consider myself a good, decent person if I’m only bouncing my traits off myself?  I’ll either see myself as perfect or floating garbage.  And, I really don’t want to be one or the other, honestly.  I’m fine with drawing a line down that middle ground and just being “pretty cool”. 

And, think about all the relationships we juggle on a daily basis.  Co-workers, friends, best friends, family, acquaintances…  It’s sometimes overwhelming, but at the end of the day I’d rather know they have all been properly maintained versus the idea of a slow deterioration. 

Perhaps that makes me selfish? But we all need people in our lives.  We need others opinions to help strengthen our own and provide a stronger sense of clarity.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve had some weird notion, and because I had several friends to discuss it with, I was able to make a better/informed decision.  I just value, so much, the life experiences of other people. 

I also think about my relationship with God, and how it’s the same way. Unless I put effort into it and work to make it a priority, it will just drift away. And, that is absolutely my first and most important relationship, so that takes precedence over the rest. But, I’m a firm believer that God put certain people into our lives as well, for a purpose.

At the end of the day, if I’m not working to keep these relationships going, they will fall apart. And can we really afford to lose those people? Lose the ones that keep you sane and together?

The older I get (and I know I’m only 29 so whatever), but the more I realize just how easy it is to lose site of that connection with people.

Then I think about the fact I am single, and I wonder why I feel so off sometimes. It’s not because I feel like I should be dating or married. It’s not because everyone else is married and I’m not… I really think I (as a person) just want to feel like half of a whole. Relationships are great, and I wouldn’t want to lose a single one, but they all are still so limiting.

In a life of limitations, I don’t want to put relationships in that category. But it is. There is a limit to how much time I can steal from my best friend. There’s a limit to how much attention I can expect to receive from my family. There’s a limit to how much love I can express with all these people that are important to me. Not because I refuse to show as much love as I can, but because each relationship is defined. I’ve come to realize that I want the one relationship that is undefined, in terms of limitations.

One of the hardest things is trying to be a good mom and still feeling so off. Trying to feel so connected while yet still feeling so isolated. It’s all contradictions. I want to be the best I can possibly be, for him (my son). But, how do I achieve this desire to be the best, when I fell so limited in other areas of my life?

My relationships don’t define me, but they certainly help with the outlines…

I don’t know. It all feels so much like a riddle I’m supposed to solve. But I really do believe that if I were to just leave it alone, it will solve itself.

*insert shrugging of shoulders here*

Well, one thing is for sure, I’ll definitely find out one way or another.