Dara was nestled in my arms.  Her thick curls splayed across the pillow behind her, like a Greek goddess. She looked so young and peaceful.  I could have laid there forever.  I wanted to. 

I carefully hugged her body tight to me and rolled her over.  After a quiet moment, I could hear her deep breathing continue, so I left.

Downstairs I found her dress and my suit jacket splayed on the floor. I gathered the clothes up, and the smell of wild berries hit me again.  It was stronger now, somehow; stronger than it had been in the conference room, and stronger than it was on the porch. 

It was stronger because, for the past four hours, my entirety had been immersed in Adara. 

I sank down into the nearest sofa and was unable to move beyond that moment. 

What did this mean? Does she want to stay here?  With me?  Does she still love me?  Do I still love her? 

I will always love her, but am I still in love with her?  Am I still mad at her?  Do I still blame her?  My eyes widened.  Did I blame her?

On the porch, I was ready to dismiss her accusations as childish and inaccurate, but sitting there alone, actually able to think…

Is she right? 

It was illogical to think it was her fault, but as I circled the question around in my mind, it didn’t seem so implausible anymore. 

I did blame her, but there was something else.  I wasn’t sure what it was.  I needed to figure it out, make a plan, but I didn’t want to.  It was too much already.

I leaned my head back against the smooth leather of the couch and wanted to melt into the cushions.  The pressure in my chest swelled, along with the feeling of desolation. 

Anger began to surface after a while.  If she had just stayed away… 

Unable to deal, I jumped up and went straight to the mud room.  I found a clean pair of sweat pants and an undershirt in the dryer.  My shoes were upstairs, and I couldn’t go back there, so I opened the door to the garage and found a pile of clothes I had been meaning to donate.  I grabbed an old pair of Nike’s from the pile and ran out of the house. 

The early morning air was cold, but it didn’t register to me.  I just needed the pavement.

It didn’t take long for the familiar burning sensation to roll up and down my legs as I did my best to make my strides even and wide.  The cold air filled my lungs and the fire spread. 

I’m not sure how long I ran for.  All I knew was that I needed to keep going.  I pushed and pushed until I had nothing left. 

The pavement soon disappeared and I realized I had run to Harvey Beach.  I collapsed on the damp sand and continued to huff and puff until my breathing slowly returned to normal.  The cold wind blowing across the waves should have chilled me to the bone, but I was numb. 

I laid there long enough to see the sun start to rise over the water.  It would have been breathtaking, had I not been so distracted.  All I could see was Adara: always moving, always fighting, always on fire. 

All the things I had loved so much about her were morphing into things I resented.  She could never be still. 

I pushed the thoughts out of my head.  I didn’t want to think about it.  I never wanted to think about it. What good would any of that do, now? It was all in the past.  She left.  My son died.  She didn’t come back.  There was nothing more than that.

I jumped up, ignoring the familiar burn, and ran; harder. The sand made me slower, but the burning intensified. 

My legs pushed me further and further until my path became blocked by an old wooden pier. I could have turned around and run back, but I knew my legs were already angry with me. I walked up the ramp and down towards the end. 

The wind was louder out here, and the waves were getting stronger. 

Looking out over the continual pulsing of the sea, a few boats dotted the horizon.  The sun crept its way higher, and the pinks and oranges of the sky swirled in a manner you’d see on a postcard. 

I thought about the picture of Sam that Adara had pulled out the day before.  I smiled, thinking about the sweet memory.  My eyes were closed and I was listening as hard as I could.  The waves were crashing and the gulls were calling; I could hear the faintest sound of his sweet laughter.  I continued to smile, imagining the sound that so often carried me to sleep.  Something caught in my throat and I was having trouble swallowing it down.

My body suddenly felt weak so I lay down.  I didn’t feel foolish or awkward, a grown man lying on the pier like a child, but I felt lost.    

For so long I had been just trying to get her to talk to me, never really dealing with any of my own issues; living in a big empty house, barely existing at work.  I hadn’t even taken a new case since Sam died.  I only existed.  Even when Adara showed up in my office asking for help, I hadn’t really processed she was there and I was talking to her.  I just figured out a way to function, just like I had been doing for the past two years.  It wasn’t until she yelled at me about accepting the offer, that I felt anything. 

It wasn’t until then that I realized I was angry with her.

My eyes were closed against the soft morning light when I felt the vibrations of someone walking towards me. 

Dara and I would often run here, early in the mornings, just to get a small boost before the day.  I wasn’t surprised she found me.

She stood for a few moments then laid down next to me.

“Now, how’d I know you’d be up here,” her soft voice floated to me over the waves.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at her.  She was looking up at me, her arms crossed over her chest and her mass of curls expertly contained in a bun.  She wasn’t touching me, but she was close enough for me to feel her warmth.

She unlocked her arms and reached down to take my hand in hers. 

“Do you remember the last time we were here?”

I nodded. 

The delicious scent of berries mixed with the cold salty air and I felt dizzy.

Her lips were lusciously inviting so without giving a thought I leaned over and kissed her.  She opened to me so sweetly and I continued to drink from her.  She was fire – a deep, smoldering fire.

“Tom…” I heard her sigh.  She was breathless and trembling. 

“Dara,” I pulled my face away from hers, “it’s you, you know?”  I searched the warm chestnut mirrors of her eyes, and ran my thumb across her reddened cheek.  “It’s only ever been you…”

It was true; there was no one else. 

There was no one to ever affect me as strongly and completely as she did.  Even after everything, I knew deep down I would never really exist without her. 

The warming sun woke me from her spell. The wind had lost its bite and I noticed a few people began to slowly emerge on the beach. 

“Are you hungry?”  I smiled.

“Starving,” she smiled back at me.

We stood and began our way back towards the shore when I felt her small hand sneak into mine.  At first I thought it must be an accident, a casual touching of our hands as they swayed beside us, but then I felt her grip tighten. 

What is she doing? She’s holding my hand.  She’s never held my hand before. 

Not in public anyways.

I looked towards her and her shoulders were stiff, like she was worried, but her hand was steadfast.

Adara kept a small distance between us but left her hand in mine.  What was such a normal act was so odd between us.  There weren’t too many people around, just a few early morning commuters and high schoolers, but still, that public display was normally taboo.

I was surprised by how much I wanted to pull her closer to me, by how much I really enjoyed that small physical connection between us. 

My grip tightened, and I felt her other hand slide in.  Our walk slowed a tiny bit, and she closed the remaining distance between us by tilting her head to rest on my shoulder.  I smiled as we continued walking.

Once we arrived back at the house, she went straight to scrambling eggs while I sliced some bananas and strawberries. 

The room was quiet, but not uncomfortable. 

I finished the fruit and tried to discreetly watch her, cooking at my stove.  She was wearing a pair of old sweats, rolled up to her knees and a white cotton tank top.  The white made her caramel complexion softer.  I mentally traced the profile of her face down past her neck and over the ample swell of her breasts.  My male mind couldn’t help but appreciate her womanly allure.  I continued my gaze down, past her perfect hips and her warm voice broke my fixated concentration.

“You have to stop staring.”  She casually said, without looking up. 

“Well, can you blame me?”  I looked back down at my sliced strawberries when I heard her giggle.  It was like a string tied to my libido.  Will I ever be unaffected by her?

“Whatever, weirdo.  I’m a hot mess right now.”  She turned the stove off and began filling a serving bowl with the eggs.  I brought my tray of fruit and sat at the bar.  She took the seat adjacent to me after grabbing a couple of water bottles from the fridge.  I had turned to look at her again, and watched the way her hips swayed as she moved slowly through the kitchen.

“You know,” her voice snapped me back out of the illicit daydream, “you’re a pretty impressive specimen yourself.” She popped a strawberry in her mouth and winked at me.

I grinned at her, but turned my attention to the eggs.

It felt almost normal, sitting here with her, having breakfast; messing with each other. The problem was that it didn’t take long for the issues to resurface.

The confusion, that never seemed to go away, began bubbling over.  I wanted her there, but I also didn’t.  She was everything I loved and everything I didn’t love at the same time.  How could I miss something I never really had? 

Because of our complicated history, we were never really out to anyone.  My father and sister were the only ones who knew Dara and I had been together.  They were the only ones who knew about Sam.  And we could never go public without fearing what Casum would do.  Her holding my hand today, and walking so closely to me, what was I supposed to think?  Was this us, starting over?  Just forgetting the past?  Forgetting Sam?

No!  I’ll never forget him; I’ll never stop loving him.  Just like I’ll never stop loving this complicated woman.

I shifted my gaze to her, wondering why I couldn’t just tell her how I felt.  It shouldn’t be this hard. 

Just tell her!

“I want to tell you,” I began, surprising myself.  I didn’t think I’d actually go through with it.  “I want to tell you that I’m very glad you are here.”  I scooped another bite of eggs into my mouth, feeling uncomfortable.  Expressing emotions had never come easily to me, and especially after all we had been through.  But it was how I felt. 

Dara had stopped chewing, and looked at me, patiently.

“I want to also tell you that I enjoyed last night… very much.”  She was smiling at me.  I felt as if my heart might beat through my chest. 

I could feel my cheeks reddening.  Dara giggled again.

“I enjoyed being with you, too.  And, I’m also very glad I’m here.”  She reached over to put her hand on mine and began stroking my knuckles down to my wrist. 

There was so much we needed to talk about.  So much that really needed to be said, but I couldn’t figure out where to even begin.  I could have just blurted it all out right then, but I was afraid.  I was afraid I would hurt her.  I was afraid she would leave. 

But she doesn’t belong here, remember?  Wasn’t that what I had been thinking, last night?  She was tracing the lines in my palm.

I felt the distraction she was becoming.  But distracting me from what?  My torture?  My emptiness? My zombified existence? Was it really so bad?

The clock gonged.  I gently pulled my hand from hers. 

“I need to get ready.  I was supposed to be there already.”  Dara hopped up from the bar stool and I tried to stop her.  “You don’t have to hurry though.  You don’t have to leave when I do…”  The words were out before I could really consider them.  What was I saying?

She looked up, her eyes soft, and again we fell silent.  I wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but she slowly reached out and placed her hand on my chest; over my heart.    

I forced a nonchalant smile and took a step back, then another, and another.  She was watching me again, patiently.

“Well,” I huffed out on a nervous laugh, “ok then,” and then raced upstairs. 

What the hell was that?!  You idiot! 

I reached the bathroom and locked the door behind me.